Hey there,
This past weekend my eldest became the proud owners of 2 platys - our first fish.
Yesterday one of them gave birth to live fish. These tiny platys can have up to 80 babies in one pregnancy. And they’ll eat their young. A horrifying detail that I had trouble distracting my kids from learning.
This experience made me (again) feel utterly clueless and shocked by being a parent.
Managing imposter syndrome
Navigating new territory can be unnerving.
For this fish-in-labor situation, I had to coax my daughter upstairs to bed and assure her that I’d take care of her fish. This meant staying up until 11 pm Googling how to care for newborn platy - and platy in labor.
When I was younger, I often assumed that someone else was better equipped to manage unusual or complex challenges. Now that I’m a parent, my kids rely on me as someone who always knows what to do. I’ve learned that most of us learn as we go.
I just needed confidence in my ability to follow the instructions Googled online. And to not be afraid of failure.
David Whittaker talked about the mismatch between competence and confidence when analyzing impostor syndrome. He illustrates why most of us can feel less confident than our abilities suggest we should.
David explains how people effectively handle this sense that they know less than others and avoid being overcome by self-doubt.
People that manage uncertainty with a ‘growth mindset’ will:
View the new situation as a curious challenge,
Ask questions to understand more, and
Embrace setbacks as learnings to help them navigate further.
This can-do attitude is helpful when navigating new circumstances, like a fish in labor. Or when deciding to take bold career moves.
Importantly, I’ve found that taking on the right challenges does more than build new skills at work or home. It can bring a deep sense of fulfillment.
Finding joy in the challenge
Last year I left my job to write a book because I felt the maternity leave experience is often deeply misunderstood. In addressing common misconceptions, I aim to make a realistic planning manual for today’s birth moms.
This complex, ambiguous project is a scary career risk. I’ve learned that it makes zero financial sense to write a book. (The economics are terrible). But it’s also a meaningful issue that I’m passionate about addressing. Working on this has helped me feel a part of something bigger.
The other complex, ambiguous challenge I’m managing is my four kids. Being a parent brings a constant stream of new and oddball challenges that can make anyone feel ill-equipped for the job.
Compounding this, parents lack a benchmark for what’s great - or even feedback or recognition for how they’ve handled a situation.
This contrasts with school and the office, where standards are pretty straightforward, evaluations are continuous, and you get rewards in the form of degrees, paychecks, and promotions.
But that recognition shouldn’t be confused with what’s meaningful. As Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, summarized in this tweet,
“Happiness requires struggle. Without struggle, the world would lack meaning and our joys would feel empty. Be grateful for your struggles, because within them is the constant opportunity for purpose.”
So while I often write about the struggles of navigating parenthood, I also want to recognize how parenting challenges can bring indescribable joy.
I would never have guessed I’d be consoling my daughter about a fish fighting through labor. But this will probably be a lasting memory we share.
Want to be a beta reader?
My book manuscript is written. This draft needs honest feedback. Hearing where it doesn’t connect, you disagree, or where points are missing given your experience is incredibly valuable.
If you’re curious to read a few chapters - or the whole thing - please reply, and I’ll share it with you.
Cheers,
Robin
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Resources discovered:
Staying confident without feeling like an impostor. David Whittaker’s 15-minute talk at JSConf on understanding and navigating impostor syndrome in tech.
The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It. A book on managing impostor syndrome that David recommended in his talk.
Parentaly. Partners with HR teams so companies can offer new parents workplace support when going on and returning from leave. Services emphasize 1:1 and group coaching for feedback and connection.